Breaking News from The Hill (Groningen–NL)

Direct from our correspondent at “The Hero’s Nest” ¹

After 15 days of relentless neon lights at 6am, gruelling “well-being” interrogations and various forms of “experimental hospitality” (featuring needles, electrodes, and enforced drug trials), the last man standing at the North Netherland facility—known to insiders as “The Hero’s Nest”—still hasn’t been granted a life-saving cappuccino.

Reports from onsite sources reveal that this so-called “volunteer” continues to be force-fed copious amounts of industrial bread smothered in dubious low-grade charcuterie and faux cheese—each slice hermetically sealed for his prolonged suffering.

On a brighter note, yesterday’s daring escape by a group of “birds” has resulted in the cessation of experimental spinal procedures for the lone survivor. He is now expected to live out his remaining days sans amis but with renewed prospects of being healthy, wealthy, and all the more wise (or so the PR team claims).

1. Baron Richie reporting for Hero News from Icon Hill, Groningen (NL) ↩